I must be very honest, I still want to lose weight. To me balancing what it is to be body positive while also wanting to change is a tricky area: its saying I accept myself, but i don't?
I like to think I want to lose for health and mobility but I know much of it is vanity and wanting to fit in.
The big thing that changed for me with the body positive movement is that I am ok right now, and I am allowed to participate in this world the way I am. I also have just come to accept that whatever success I may have with getting more fit or losing weight I will not punish myself for not being "ideal weight" Its understanding that much of the standard I used to measure myself up to is false advertising, and that whatever I achieve I will know that I am beautiful. Still I do have many days where this is a far cry from what I think, but having an anchor of body positivity can pull me out of those down times.
BUT I do see a difference in not being "ideal weight" and giving up on changing my body. Lately I know I have been eating poorly, emotionally and way too much and as a result I am exhausted, my skin is dry, I have gained 10 lbs and my mood has dropped.
How I am being BODY POSITIVE: this doesnt make me a villain, and it doesn't mean I am a bad person or my worth is less.
What it DOES mean is that I don't feel good.
Objectively I can not argue that many of my actions have given me a result that I wish to continue. And that is the logical judgement I can put on the past couple months. I wont vilify what I have done but I will say thats enough for now and lets try something else.
I would like to get down to a weight around 220. That is a weight I have been in the past that I consider a nice maintenance place where I can move easily, have more energy and maintain with out strict dieting and restriction.
And I am giving myself a real goal to get there. but not only there....
I dont like to measure all success on the scale as there are many factors that affect that and I will likely not go down consistently and may even go back up a few times. So I like to measure more by measurements of my body and how I feel.
What I want to focus on is the mental health: I want to stay in touch with my emotions to know if my actions feel positive and progressive. If I feel happier and have more energy and if what I am doing is moving me forward.
Being smaller is nice where I can go on some activities that I am currently too heavy for, it will make travel easier, it will make walking easier, it will be easier on my joints. Often when I have tried to lose weight I have felt overwhelmed, pressured, like a failure even with success, and felt guilty about every little action I took. I think this was a major factor in my short term success and then giving up, mental.
This mental game is the tough one, loving myself. Making choices out of love rather than because I hate where I am. Moving forward for my future not because of my past.
I will not be restricting calories significantly and will be focusing on real food, preparing food and not eating fast food.
I like real food, and I am going to eat what I like.
Most of all I am aiming to feel nourished, energized, and improve my general mood.
And if I start to feel like one of those things is suffering I will re assess.
Next post: Whats my plan to do it and the SMART goal I have put in place to increase the chance of success.
there are facts and then there are emotions. This is as honest as I can be about my struggles and triumphs.