This post is going to get straight to the point of a few things that I am experiencing that are likely to do with being heavy for a long time. Its body stuff, may be a little TMI for some. Read on knowing im about to talk about whats happening with underwear, and body hair.
I have been heavy a long time, and I knew some day that would come with consequences. I expected I would get diabetes or high blood pressure, or maybe need a new knee or something along those lines. So far none of those things have happened, and the things that have happened were so unexpected, un talked about and have caused me much mental anguish. They have made me more self conscious than my weight ever did.
Those three main things are: incontinence (mild leaking) hair loss on my head and hair growing on my face
Whats in that purse?
This little purse is now in my bag at all times. It contents are feminine wipes, an extra pair of knix underwear and a plastic bag.
I have yet to see a doctor about this but I am experiencing a little leakage on and off almost all day long. Im working my kegals and drinking less but its not getting a lot better. Now I have found that the knix line of underwear is unbelievably comfortable, comes in an XXL that actually molds to my body shape and it helps as it works for periods as well. Absorbs like 2 tsp and supposedly dries fast....but i dont see the drying when the leak is bigger, which is why I now always have a second pair of underwear.
The other part of generally incontinence is the smell, which the underwear helps with, but when I switch to my second pair I use a wipe as it just helps me feel cleaner. Sigh, its been something to get used to an was expensive to throw away all my underwear, but I am very grateful this product exists.
*The side note is that these underwear are great for working out or hiking as they are wicking and comfy and will keep you mostly dry. They have a whole other line thats just work out and biking undies. I recommend them as they are cheaper for us Canadians than the thinx/icon line and I just like them better.
All that being said, it was very hard to admit this, but its such a common problem, and like many female body issues we often dont know that and feel alone. The image that we are shown of the ideal woman is definitely more than just skinny, she smells perfect, has thick mostly straight hair with lots of body, she has no facial skin variations, big eyes, no hair anywhere but her head, no wrinkles, no lines, no cellulite, she smiles all the time and is tall, but we are all getting to know more and more that she is not only not the norm, she doesn't exist. Many people will have some of these qualities but no woman has no hair, no lines or folds, no smell.
Its hard to balance who we actually are with who we are sold we should be and I aim with every word I type on these pages to add one more story of how I really am to join the voice saying, its ok.
Still, it doesnt make it easier that i pee my pants sometimes.....
and it really doesnt make the next thing any easier.
So now number two: Hair Thinning.
This has been the saddest thing for me. I have felt such a loss of femininity as my hair gets thinner and thinner. I don't know how to style it and I dont' get how to cut it. I don't want to dye it or use heat products as I don't want to lose anymore which means that I have had to grow in my grey hair. And I am mostly Grey.
I still have not come to terms with either of these things but even writing all down here is helpful as being honest is so very important in getting it out of my head and into a public space just takes the pressure off of the secret.
My hair was always a little thin but its curly so that never showed. I, like many women, got a lot of my identity from my hair. I dont really know whats causing this, the doctors for all their knowledge say "well you are fat and getting older" well thats not exactly what they said, but pretty close to what one said. Basically its that my hormones and body are out of wack and my hair changed. Its likely connected to changes in progesterone, estrogen and testosterone.
The really cruel joke of this imbalance is this: As I lose the hair on my head I grow it on more and more places on my body. Mustache, chin hairs, side burns, hair on my stomach, on the tops of my feet, on my fingers, growing out of my nose. Sheesh! Is there no end to the places I can start growing hair on my body?
But still once again, this is not an un common problem. Just not one we talk about enough.
I remove all the hair and never tell anyone that it grows, not even my husband. And I style my hair on my head the best I can that it never shows how thing its become in some areas. So people are surprised when I tell them.
I dont think you need to just succumb to it all and go hairy (though if thats your choice then go ahead and do it!)
Im just saying lets talk about it ladies. Lets get it out in the open.
I can grow the beginnings of a beard.
But I checked...I still have a vagina and lord knows I still get my freaking period so I am pretty sure I am still a woman.
We all are.
Of course we all want to fit in, but sharing this is fitting in. The numbers are high, you will find friends here.
I am a grown woman and I don't know how to do my thinning hair and I pee my pants sometimes.
Things they don't tell you might happen but they really really should.
Lets all continue to spread this conversation.
there are facts and then there are emotions. This is as honest as I can be about my struggles and triumphs.