I didnt really realize this until late last summer, but I have been staying pretty safe in activities by really only doing them with people I deeply trust and feel comfortable with. There is nothing inherently wrong with this except for what has happened in the past month: my key people I train with have gotten very busy.
I dont really go by myself, I dont know why exactly, but something is holding me back lately and I really need that extra push of plans with another person so make sure I go. Accountability.
So I realized that I really need to go out and meet some people and just try training with them to see if we make good activity buddies.
Cue Big Girl YYC! I mentioned them in my previous post as they ran a beginner climbing class that I asked them to do that was a smashing success! This is a body positive come try any activity in a safe supportive space thats for women. Erin (who created and runs it) is so much better at this part of organization and reach out than I am. I can be a bit of a solo warrior, and as much as I like people I really need someone else to organize and recruit.
I havent' been able to go to any other events yet but I really look forward to joining them more in the summer and I plan on bugging Erin a lot to let me help her!
A little piece of my ego feels protective of being "the" fat climber and I think that was a reason I was avoiding this. I didnt' want to go with people that were so much better than me and I liked feeling special being the only big one there. I also didnt want to break down with strangers, or fail, or look weak in front of them. This monkey part of my brain that just jumps to insecure was taking over and keeping me alone and not doing the fun activities I love. My ego was telling me that my online persona would be de valued if i wasnt the best, or a least the most level headed in the group.
BUT THAT IS SO SILLY!!!
Sharing this with others has been amazing. I honestly tear up when I see someone else get that awesome feeling of complete overwhelm at what you just accomplished. Going with other people that I know want the same support I do is amazing. Through this group I have met two ladies who I have now gone climbing with and each session was really fun. I very much look forward to going out with them more and more.
Recognizing my ego and knowing its not my amigo is so important to me, in letting go of it I can accomplish so much more and make new relationships. Actually amigos.
These ladies likely dont know it but I was scared to go with them one on one. I almost cancelled. I didnt climb anything scary while they were there because I didnt want to fail in front of them. BUT next time we go ladies I am going to push it! Get ready to catch me cause I am going to try something harder and I will likely fall. I hope I push it till I fall.
Overall, like everything in this journey, this is a process. Its easy to hide behind the internet, post cool photos and leave it at that. Whats hard is showing up in person, owning your words, following through and trusting someone else.