Down to nothing.

When I watched the movie Everest I found an inspiration I found a little odd. After all this movie is about the failed 1996 expedition of Rob Hall to scale Everest where he and many others lost their lives. Up until that time it was the worst season for loss on record for scaling the mountain and it launched an inquiry into the morality of guiding expeditions to the top of Everest, who really earned the right to be there? 
I watched this and felt sick at first, scared, then mad. Then amazed, who were these people? Who wants to climb everest? Why? What was different between them and I? 
I have always wanted to adventure, to wander. I want to earn the right to be places. I want to be strong. 
Why Everest........its so cold. It could kill you. Its expensive. Its not even a crazy technical climb......
Why.............
Then I watched the video Down to nothing vimeo.com/136761532  Again, sad, mad, scared. Amazed. Amazed at the strength it takes to abandon sunk costs and quit. And to still feel success......well maybe not success but not defeated?

I tried to ask myself, what would I be willing to do and possibly fail? Why would I want to do that? Where could I go where I would be sincerely challenged. Where I would be put so far out of my comfort zone that I would have to find new strength. And why would I want to? Because it excited me. 
It all excited me. 
I realized that although I think Rob Hall wished everything had gone differently he ultimately new he would likely give his life one day to a mountain. I think he wanted to live but also did not want to die unable to adventure and challenge. He would have withered away without challenge. Maybe he didn't need a mountain but he could not sit still. 
This was it. I have been sitting still. 
Actually sitting still. I had spent the last few years depressed, becoming a loner, sitting in my office watching netflix and resigning to a life of boring monotony. I had been struggling with infertility and now realized that I would not be having any children and I felt my life had no purpose. No direction. No reason to go on, I mean what was the point?And I was tired of it. 
I wanted challenge
I wanted hurt. 
I wanted some danger
I wanted adventure.....ish.
That is where this site came from! I have been waiting so long to become thin so I could be one of these adventurers, so long to feel like I was allowed to join in. And all the while I never realized that deep in my bones I am one of these people and I was just so scared. 
I realized I do not want to die sitting in the corner not participating. And suddenly I began to feel some purpose. 
I decided I wanted to start living on purpose. 
I decided I wasnt going to wait another day. I was going to start. 
I wanted FUN!!!!! 
And what a year I have given myself since. What a life I am going to give myself from now on.