Post fertility treatment PMS blues
Here is the skinny: I have never really had that normal of a period but before a few years ago I just didn't get the whole PMS thing. I never had it. Periods were a pain but whatever, they came and went.
That is until I had two miscarriages and fertility treatments.... and now 3 days a month my world is chaos.
Every month now this is the cycle:
I wake up and feel my mood drop, suddenly I have no patience. Feel overwhelmed by everything and at its darkest moments can't summon up the care to move, feeling like I sincerely want to die.
This lasts for 2 days
On the third day my mood will lift, oh wow I am a rational human being again.
And then my period starts, and for the next 24 hours I will be in terrible pain. My legs completely cramp, my back is so sore I cant hardly stand, my stomach feels like its in a vice. Yeah, thats next level.
This month I wasn't tracking the days and day 1 and 2 correlated with 2 particularly stressful days at work.
13 hour days.
I got so overwhelmed I locked myself in a bathroom and cried. I was so so sad I almost quit my job, like really almost quit my job. I yelled at my husband, like crazy crazy mad at him. Literally walked the dog and muttered to myself in anger for the whole walk. Crying.
Then Sunday night, it cleared. Im happy, balanced and feeling fine. What happened? Why cant I handle a little stress? man I am embarrassed about my actions. Sigh, I must apologize to Nathan.
Monday: I wake up, tired, feeling sick. Have trouble walking down the stairs. Sore. Cramped. And then my period starts.
How annoying is it as a woman to have that old "she must be on her period" crap validated. And how frustrating that I seemingly cant do much about it, they are right, I am PMSing. Like crying at work? Quit my job? shave my head? Creating rifts with my Husband
The long and the short of this is Ladies, we have some shit.
And some days you just any gonna have the strength.
Give yourself the rest, and know that somedays you have a date with the couch and that just has to be ok.
On a side proactive note: I finally have an appt with a specialist to get this checked out and hopefully balance my hormones.
I already know step 1: Lose some weight.
So once this day one of pain is over its back to the climbing gym!
I find watching Emilys videos feel like I am watching someone I know. She is so honest, brave and accomplished but humble. A dedicated and hard working athlete she is one cool ass chick.
Check out her site and videos produced by north face, I dont think you will be able to deny this likeable women makes being elite seem relatable to the lamen.
~I dont think I could enjoy my life as much if i didnt have those gritty difficult experiences. I dont think I could enjoy these successes and all the beauty in this world. I think once you surpasses this percieved limit that you thought you had its very liberating. It just opens up your mind and wow, I wonder what my true potential really is.
There is fear and risk in day to day normal life, and we all have to learn how to manage it in our own way.
Down to nothing.
When I watched the movie Everest I found an inspiration I found a little odd. After all this movie is about the failed 1996 expedition of Rob Hall to scale Everest where he and many others lost their lives. Up until that time it was the worst season for loss on record for scaling the mountain and it launched an inquiry into the morality of guiding expeditions to the top of Everest, who really earned the right to be there?
I watched this and felt sick at first, scared, then mad. Then amazed, who were these people? Who wants to climb everest? Why? What was different between them and I?
I have always wanted to adventure, to wander. I want to earn the right to be places. I want to be strong.
Why Everest........its so cold. It could kill you. Its expensive. Its not even a crazy technical climb......
Then I watched the video Down to nothing vimeo.com/136761532 Again, sad, mad, scared. Amazed. Amazed at the strength it takes to abandon sunk costs and quit. And to still feel success......well maybe not success but not defeated?
I tried to ask myself, what would I be willing to do and possibly fail? Why would I want to do that? Where could I go where I would be sincerely challenged. Where I would be put so far out of my comfort zone that I would have to find new strength. And why would I want to? Because it excited me.
It all excited me.
I realized that although I think Rob Hall wished everything had gone differently he ultimately new he would likely give his life one day to a mountain. I think he wanted to live but also did not want to die unable to adventure and challenge. He would have withered away without challenge. Maybe he didn't need a mountain but he could not sit still.
This was it. I have been sitting still.
Actually sitting still. I had spent the last few years depressed, becoming a loner, sitting in my office watching netflix and resigning to a life of boring monotony. I had been struggling with infertility and now realized that I would not be having any children and I felt my life had no purpose. No direction. No reason to go on, I mean what was the point?And I was tired of it.
I wanted challenge
I wanted hurt.
I wanted some danger
I wanted adventure.....ish.
That is where this site came from! I have been waiting so long to become thin so I could be one of these adventurers, so long to feel like I was allowed to join in. And all the while I never realized that deep in my bones I am one of these people and I was just so scared.
I realized I do not want to die sitting in the corner not participating. And suddenly I began to feel some purpose.
I decided I wanted to start living on purpose.
I decided I wasnt going to wait another day. I was going to start.
I wanted FUN!!!!!
And what a year I have given myself since. What a life I am going to give myself from now on.
What an exciting couple of days, now that the social media is in play this all feels so real!
I am floored by all the amazing people I have already seen on Instagram, what a movement we are all involved in.
Oh you have no idea how excited I am to be a part of this and how sincerely I want to help you with your goals.
If I can help you or you have suggestions please oh please contact me
expect more and more content as I continue working.
And I will continue to be honest, about my good days and my bad. As well as to all the new amazing adventures I find!
Happy Hiking! Climbing! Adventuring!!
The map is not the terrain
"why don't they describe it in the brochure? because its mostly pain" ~Everest movie 2015
Didnt matter how much I researched about the West Coast Trail I was not prepared. Its everything and nothing I expected. Its hard. Its amazing. It hurts. It rewards. Reading and preparing is essential to avoiding obvious mishaps but once you hit the trails be prepared that you dont know how its going to feel (both physically and emotionally) As an athlete in my imagination I glide through it, look cool and feel great. Me in reality: sweaty, tired. I was happy, sad, scared, bored, inspired, panicky, angry and just tired.
Why do it? I dont know, but I felt better there than I have in years, even if i was exhausted and a little cold. What started as a dream to complete ended up inspiring me to so much more. What I thought would be the trip of a lifetime instead has inspired a life of trips. I dont want this to be THE thing i did, just a thing I did. For now it stands as the hardest longest. Now to break that record.
For most of my life I have believed that I am afraid of heights. I say believed because heights are not scary, perception of the height is what makes it scary. Its in my head.
Now in reality I am not equipped to head to some heights (of course I cant fly) but also I am lacking in technical skill and strength it would take to reach some really very high places under my own man power. But mostly I can get myself a lot higher than flat ground but being high has always seemed terrifying.
What I realized as a child, I see now, is that if I cried hard enough I was coddled and allowed to not participate. As a teen people just didn't want to deal with it. And as an adult you really have to ask to go or take yourself (people mostly do not invite you to join hobbies without at least some show of interest) So with all of that combined I have been able to stay ground floor. But the longer I stayed ground floor the more I convinced myself that high was scary, that I was scared, that I would never be there....its too scary. SO when I one day decide to go a little high, or for some reason I am unexpectedly, then I panic.
Here is the reality: Fear can be useful. Panic is not.
Panic is what gets you into trouble. OR makes trouble a lot worse.
Fear is mostly based in the unknown and can many times be put at bay by exposure. So how do you deal with a fear of heights? Avoidance actually made it worse. SO!!!! Exposure Therapy.
It took me a few years, a few cliffs, a few bridges but these days it takes a lot more to scare me. And when I am spooked it takes a lot more to make me panic.
there are facts and then there are emotions. This is as honest as I can be about my struggles and triumphs.